I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
