Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
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