R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Someone stole a lamp last night.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize