He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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