Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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