Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
