he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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