Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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