I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
