Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
