I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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