He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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