sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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