I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
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