I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
