I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
