Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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