i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize