just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
