my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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