just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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