he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
