we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
