It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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