Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
