I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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