would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
