I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
