I feel great
I just peed on a car
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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