I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
