i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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