Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
