Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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