I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
