I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
