My friends, they love my intelligence
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
