Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize