She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
