Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
