y did u give ur computer a hand job?
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
