There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
