I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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