i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
