I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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