I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
