I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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