How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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