here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
