I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
