I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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