my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
