I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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