Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
