yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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