I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
My ass is underappreciated
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize