Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
you made out with another girl for some wings
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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