i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
