so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
