I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
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