Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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